If a couple argues, it does not mean that the relationship is not going well, or that it is something that has no solution. The main thing you have to do is identify the problem, how often arguments happen, the intensity and the reasons why you start fighting.
Throughout this article, we are going to find out why these arguments happen and we will learn how to handle them properly with our 13 tips. We will also look at how effective communication can take place and how we can express our ideas constructively.
Why do couples argue?
The arguing usually starts after the most intense stage of love, that is, more or less, after the first 8 or 9 months.
It is at this point when both parts of the couple start putting their feet on the ground, and if they are constructive and occur from the beginning, quarrels can be very healthy for the couple's adjustment.
This stage is necessary because both parts must accept their flaws and the other person's, as well as keeping and defending their own identity and ideas in relation to the other member.
When the readjustment stage becomes chronic, and other factors come into play such as very intense arguments, for whatever reason or with disqualifications, everything begins to blur, and you start thinking that this relationship may not be the healthiest option for both of you.
The most common reasons for a couple to start arguing are usually insecurities, family problems, lack of communication, extreme idealizations, absences of projects in common or their inconsistency, as well as the feeling of monotony and disinterest by one of you.
Is it good to argue?
According to a study from 2015, it was said that couples that argue have a stronger and healthier relationship. You must define what kind of arguments and how they occur.
There are 2 key factors for arguments to be constructive rather than destructive: the will of both parts of the couple to get to an agreement and the fact of speaking in relation to an argument regarding the topic to be discussed.
The problem of arguments start when they become fights, and both parts do not look for an agreement but to be right. Likewise, when they disrespect each other, seek to dominate, shout at each other or discredit each other, this may be killing the relationship slowly or even worse, turning it into a toxic relationship.
What can you do if you argue a lot?
When arguments take a persistent fighting tone, the first thing is to be aware of what is going on in the relationship and especially by both parties, since it is not worth for only one of you to realize.
There are specific key tips such as those discussed below that can help you know how to manage a little better couple arguments. If things get worse and it is challenging to control, go to a professional for couples therapy.
13 tips for handling or stopping couple arguments
As we have seen previously, arguing does not always have to be a negative experience. Each member of the couple has its own ideas and thoughts that should be said out loud.
The secret is to know how to communicate with each other, and especially to learn from each experience. In the following lines, we are going to list 13 tips about how to manage couple fighting:
1. Watch the tone
We have to learn how to argue and what to argue. To do so, there are many factors that we have to take into account. First of all the tone must be assertive.
When we raise the tone or we have an ironic voice, we are indirectly aggressive with the other person, and the message is totally different from the one that should be given.
2. Search for a common agreement
It is also important to think that, to get to an agreement, both parties have to benefit, and the other person has to be taken into account without neglecting our needs.
3. To have a clear reason
We have to know why we are arguing and not change to other issues because this means we are looking for more conflicts with no reason.
In the same way, we have to remember that who we are arguing with is someone we love and who we are sharing our lives with. It may not be worth getting angry or being right that time.
4. Be assertive
To be assertive with the other person we must explain our ideas without judging our partner, but their behavior or the specific issue you are arguing.
5. Control conditions
In order to provide this whole environment, it is key always to maintain the right conditions: not arguing when you are tired, without eating, when the situation is very tense, in front of other people or using third parties to emphasize our arguments, etc.
6. Identify one's feelings
We have to know that everything we say during a quarrel is usually moved by other emotions that can make us say things that we can later regret.
So, it is essential to identify how we are feeling at that moment, as well as knowing how to express ourselves, so the other person also understands you.
Frustration, irritation or sadness are common feelings that we can handle better when we identify them.
7. Do not avoid arguing
As we have mentioned before, arguing does not have to mean something negative in the relationship, and it is necessary when we have an opinion or a different thought than our partner or something that makes us feel bad.
We have to express our emotions and ideas to our partner because trying to avoid talking about it can lead to accumulated conflicts that can explode at any moment.
This generates more and more frustration and accumulation of negative thoughts. Arguing does not have to involve fighting, and a conversation on time can prevent future conflict.
8. Do not be disrespectful
When couple arguing starts increasing in intensity, emotionality rises more and more, and we could easily cross the line.
If we get carried away by strong emotions, we can say something harmful and disrespectful to our partner. No matter why we do it, this could be very bad for the relationship, and sometimes it could even put an end to it. This is why we should have the limits in an argument very clear and that disrespecting someone never solves anything, it just makes it worse.
9. Control times
Feelings can play tricks on you, and that is why it is essential to make decisions in the cold light of day and with a clear mind.
It is better to breathe and let the argument finish before deciding anything, so you do not get into negative loops.
If we see that the fight is getting worse and no constructive agreement is reached between the two of you, we also have to know when to stop to breathe, let everything calm down and prevent things from going any further.
10. Manage problems
It is OK to argue, exchange ideas and different opinions, but in the end, the primary goal of the quarrels should be to reach a common agreement and readjust as a couple.
This should be the main goal of significant conflicts, and for this to be achieved, an agreement should be reached with solutions for the situation that generates disagreement.
11. Leave pride aside
To dominate the argument or to always want to be right is something very immature and that is not going to help to solve the conflict.
It is essential to identify when it is these thoughts that move us in an argument and analyze things in a more objective way as if we were looking at them from a more distant perspective.
If it is us who have made a mistake, asking for forgiveness is also necessary and represents an act of maturity, essential to be able to live together as a couple.
12. Avoid regrets
Bringing past and forgotten topics into a disagreement to win and be right is not good to solve anything.
Taking advantage of a moment of weakness to do this is something dishonest and will not help at all to solve or manage a problematic situation.
That is why it is important not to keep anything if it still hurts and to know how to express feelings assertively.
13. Identify and manage expectation
People are not made exactly the way we expect, and they have their own feelings and thoughts, and they can also do things wrong, just like us.
To have a healthy relationship and avoid unnecessary and absurd fighting, first identify whether you have high expectations on how your partner should be.
Once you identify them, you can manage them, and you should bear in mind that no one is perfect and that a perfect relationship does not exist.
- Original article in viviendolasalud.com: Discusiones de pareja: consejos sobre cómo solucionar peleas de pareja
References
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country's foremost relationship expert. Harmony.